Sunday, January 3, 2010

D - Day

This could mean a variety of things: dooms day, deployment day, or dreaded day. To me it was all three of those. So, in case you can't tell, today was the day hubby had to leave me & get ready to deploy:( Yesterday was really hard just knowing what was going to take place the following day. Like I said, I had tried to prepare myself in every way that I could, but somehow the preparation did not help. Emotions cannot be fought back. So yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I couldn't even look at my husband without tearing up. And the killer was every time he would come up to me and tell me "I love you". But, I managed to get a little better as the day went on & we enjoyed our last night together. This morning I was actually doing good (I think I surprised myself) - I woke up this morning around 4am & couldn't go back to sleep so I laid there just looking at my precious husband wishing we would never wake up to reality & then I started praying. Asking the Lord just to help me & be with us during this time. Help time go by faster & for every inch of protection he could surround these guys with. So, I know it was with His help that this morning was not as bad as it could have been. Me & hubby drove to Rocky Mt. where he had to be dropped off (I could have stayed, but Matt thought it would be harder on him & me - which is probably true). We got to the base where we sat in the car for a few minutes & just talked & told each other how much we would miss them. Then it was that dreaded time where hubby had to get all of his belongings & leave me alone in the car to drive back home. I cried as we said our "see ya later's" & a few min. after I pulled out of the driveway, but then I guess I was so focused on not getting lost that I actually was ok. I was still sad but I was doing alright emotionally. UNTIL I pulled in the driveway at home. That's when it all hit me & boy did it hit me all at once. Seeing Matt's jeep in the driveway & knowing he wasn't coming home devastated me I couldn't control the sobs then, they just kept coming no matter how hard I tried to control them. It was bad. Charlie our little dachshund kept trying to jump up on me & give me welcome home kisses & I couldn't do it. I'm sure he was wondering what in the world was going on with me. But, he has been my little side kick today. He hasn't left my side once. Matter of fact he's laying in my lap as I type now. Once I got myself somewhat together, I called Matt to let him know I was home & he had to ask if I was alright - I lost it again. He helped me calm down & talked sweetness to me & told me everything was going to be ok (I sure hope so). Then I tried watching tv but I couldn't keep my concentration, then I thought well I haven't eaten anything, but just the thought made me nauseous, so then I decided to try to take a nap & that worked out ok. I dozed here & there but no good nap for me. My body felt like I couldn't move, my legs were so heavy & my hands were shaky. I was hungry but couldn't eat, sleepy but couldn't sleep & on top of that my head was starting to pound. I know it's my nerves, but I didn't like it at all. It's been rough this first day & I'm sure there will be days just like this one that I'll have to get through, but we've started the journey & the journey must go on. Pray for me & Matt!!! I'm going to go try & eat now. Until next time....

3 comments:

lala [mrs. new guy] said...

Oh Jessica, I can't tell you how much of your post could have been written by me! Change the name of your dog to Annie, and it sounds like the day that MY Matt left for deployment, one month ago.

Take ibuprofen, take your vitamins, and when you DO have an appetite, try to eat healthy stuff so your body can handle all this stress, but other than that, if you want cookies, EAT COOKIES! Whatever makes you feel better right now, go with it.

Are the other wives in your unit / squadron planning any get togethers? Have you met them before? The day that Matt left was actually a different day than when most of the squadron deployed, but I hung out with one of the other wives whose husband also deployed that day. We went for breakfast and then sat at home watching TV and trying to distract ourselves (meaning I didn't have a breakdown until that night).

Do you have anyone to do that with????

Anyway, email me if you want to.

ayla.kristen@gmail.com

ancient one said...

Honey, everyday, I think of you and Matt and I'm praying for both of you...

Field of Dreams said...

I know you are Grandma & I'm so thankful for that!!! I love you!!!