Friday, January 29, 2010

Well it's almost been a month...

A month has almost come & gone since "D-Day" lol. It has been a pretty fast month with everything going on. I have decided to move back home with my parents for the time of my husband's deployment. Some may say that's not a great idea, & of course I had to consider it as well...but all in all it has been good so far. I enjoy the company & not to mention them helping me out with little Charlie. I've been able to talk to Matt everyday since he has been in Washington state for the past month, so that has been helpful. And, last weekend I was able to go visit him there while they had some time for leave. I'm so glad I went!!! We had gone back & forth on whether or not for me to go (only because Matt thought it would be putting me through the hardness of leaving him again), but we finally decided that I "needed" this time. It was my last "see ya later" before he actually left the United States. So, off to Washington I went. First time flying by myself. I was a little nervous at first, but the anticipation of seeing him kept me going & wasn't a big deal at all. We had so much fun together & it was a relief to see each other again for a couple of days. He was glad I came:) On the way back was not as fun lol. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, but it was still sad. The closer I got back to Raleigh the bigger the lump in my throat grew. My parents came to get me from the airport & on the way home a little bit of that lump was released. It had to be. But, I've been home for a week now & was still able to talk to hubby. They ended up leaving yesterday to head over to Ubekistan (sp?) for processing until being able to head over to Afghanistan. Last I heard from him he was in Canada getting ready to leave for Germany. But, I just heard from another Army Wife & they are still in Germany right now delayed because of the weather. So, pray for them as they keep traveling to their final destination. I miss him so much, but I'm glad we are finally starting the journey so we can get the time done & he can be back here with me.

My days are ok, but my nights are lonely. I have so many thoughts running through my head of all the emotions that I feel, but nothing would come out right if I decided to share! I have a little anxiety about the whole situation but I know I will be ok & I have tons of family & friends praying for us! And that I am thankful for!

Today we have snow & it's such a relaxing day...sure wish hubby was here with me to enjoy!!!

I miss you & love you!!!

Sunday, January 3, 2010

D - Day

This could mean a variety of things: dooms day, deployment day, or dreaded day. To me it was all three of those. So, in case you can't tell, today was the day hubby had to leave me & get ready to deploy:( Yesterday was really hard just knowing what was going to take place the following day. Like I said, I had tried to prepare myself in every way that I could, but somehow the preparation did not help. Emotions cannot be fought back. So yesterday was a very emotional day for me. I couldn't even look at my husband without tearing up. And the killer was every time he would come up to me and tell me "I love you". But, I managed to get a little better as the day went on & we enjoyed our last night together. This morning I was actually doing good (I think I surprised myself) - I woke up this morning around 4am & couldn't go back to sleep so I laid there just looking at my precious husband wishing we would never wake up to reality & then I started praying. Asking the Lord just to help me & be with us during this time. Help time go by faster & for every inch of protection he could surround these guys with. So, I know it was with His help that this morning was not as bad as it could have been. Me & hubby drove to Rocky Mt. where he had to be dropped off (I could have stayed, but Matt thought it would be harder on him & me - which is probably true). We got to the base where we sat in the car for a few minutes & just talked & told each other how much we would miss them. Then it was that dreaded time where hubby had to get all of his belongings & leave me alone in the car to drive back home. I cried as we said our "see ya later's" & a few min. after I pulled out of the driveway, but then I guess I was so focused on not getting lost that I actually was ok. I was still sad but I was doing alright emotionally. UNTIL I pulled in the driveway at home. That's when it all hit me & boy did it hit me all at once. Seeing Matt's jeep in the driveway & knowing he wasn't coming home devastated me I couldn't control the sobs then, they just kept coming no matter how hard I tried to control them. It was bad. Charlie our little dachshund kept trying to jump up on me & give me welcome home kisses & I couldn't do it. I'm sure he was wondering what in the world was going on with me. But, he has been my little side kick today. He hasn't left my side once. Matter of fact he's laying in my lap as I type now. Once I got myself somewhat together, I called Matt to let him know I was home & he had to ask if I was alright - I lost it again. He helped me calm down & talked sweetness to me & told me everything was going to be ok (I sure hope so). Then I tried watching tv but I couldn't keep my concentration, then I thought well I haven't eaten anything, but just the thought made me nauseous, so then I decided to try to take a nap & that worked out ok. I dozed here & there but no good nap for me. My body felt like I couldn't move, my legs were so heavy & my hands were shaky. I was hungry but couldn't eat, sleepy but couldn't sleep & on top of that my head was starting to pound. I know it's my nerves, but I didn't like it at all. It's been rough this first day & I'm sure there will be days just like this one that I'll have to get through, but we've started the journey & the journey must go on. Pray for me & Matt!!! I'm going to go try & eat now. Until next time....